PaRappa the Rapper (Playstation)

What a horrible day to have a diarrhea attack! Not only is Chop Chop Master Onion stuck at the back of the line to use the restroom, but now that little upstart who outrapped him earlier has returned and is trying to take cuts. Chop Chop attempts to plead his case to PaRappa: “I need to go just as bad as you. What I had this morning I don’t even want to say to you!” But PaRappa won’t back down. Apparently his stomach is on the fritz, too, and he’s desperate to get to the toilet first. The only thing to do is rap to decide who gets to make use of the facilities first. Chop Chop puts on a fine performance: “Kick! Punch! Turn and Chop the door!” But PaRappa follows up each of Chop Chop’s lines with perfect timing, besting the old master’s flow. When the battle finally ends, PaRappa steps forward to challenge the next person in line while poor Chop Chop descends into diarrhea hell.


Bangai-O HD: Missile Fury (XBox 360)

Holy cow, that’s one big ant. Like, amazingly, freakishly gigantic. Something that large could make mincemeat of me in no time, but I have nothing to worry about because it’s trapped behind a barrier and I’m far out of its attack range. I direct a steady stream of missiles into the beast’s head and in seconds my adversary is no more. As I watch the huge insect explode into bits and pieces, the words of my navigator, Dr. Ban, echo in my head: “Don’t miss the item that will appear.” Hmmm, item? Oh, now I see what he’s talking about! An oversized pineapple appears where the ant had been only moments ago. As I move in to grab the fruit I’m suddenly ambushed by hundreds of smaller ants. It’s a trap! I haphazardly speed in all directions, looking for an exit while firing at the wall of arthropods with everything I’ve got, but the swarm is simply too much for me to handle. In the final seconds before my mech is overrun, I notice the item Dr. Ban must have been talking about: napalm. The ants wouldn’t have stood a chance. But it’s too late now. This is the end!

Wii Party (Wii)

So far, Lady Luck has been on my side. While the journey up the mountainside has been treacherous for my opponents, it’s been nothing but smooth sailing for me. My good fortune is making me feel a bit cocky, truth be told. I roll the dice and land two 6s, which allows me to roll an additional time for a total of 17. At this rate the treasure will be mine in no time. See you later, suckers! I jog forward, thinking only of the gold waiting at the summit, when the unthinkable happens. The space I land on forces me to switch places with another player, landing me at the back of the pack! To make matters worse, the next roll finds me tumbling through the ground and into the belly of the volcano. I suppose this is what I deserve for acting so pompous. It’s going to take a lot of skill — and even more luck — to escape from here and reclaim the lead.

Chulip (Playstation 2)

On my way to Turtle Bath I stop and chat with a smiling officer at the police box. He admits he’s bored out of his mind because there’s nothing to do, but at least the streets are safe. I bid him adieu and continue my walk to the bathhouse. A living statue of a lion is manning the counter. Outsiders might think that sounds bonkers, but here in Long Life Town, he’s actually one of our more normal residents. I hand over 200 yen and start to open the door to the bath area. The lion yells at me for forgetting to take my clothes off. Whoops! I duck behind a changing screen, strip down, then make a quick dash for the bath area. After rinsing off, I submerge my body in the warmth of the tub. Aaaah, this is the life. Feeling refreshed, I dry off, change back into my clothes, and make my way for the exit. The lion remarks that my bathing technique is all wrong and chalks it up to the foolishness of kids nowadays. Oh well. The sun has set, the streets are dark, and it’s after curfew, so I decide it’s time to go home. I spot the policeman I had spoken with earlier, but something about him seems different… When I walk over to say hello his eyes suddenly flash like spotlights and he begins firing his gun at me! Oh no! I guess he’s not bored any longer!

Shenmue II (XBox)

Ryo makes a quick stop at one of his usual hangouts, Pine Game Arcade. Just as he is about to start a game of Outrun, he notices somebody familiar sitting at one of the tabletop cabinets. “Joy?” She looks up from her game. “Ryo!” Her face lights up. Ryo does his best to make small talk, but he’s not necessarily the world’s greatest conversationalist. He awkwardly asks Joy if she has a job. She seems slightly taken aback at Ryo’s directness but acts amused all the same. “Well, you know…” She then turns the tables and asks Ryo about his employment status. Seeing as he’s at an arcade in the middle of the day, he’s doesn’t really have much of a retort. Joy then digs deeper and inquires as to what type of girls Ryo likes. He fumbles over his words, excuses himself, and quickly heads over to play a game darts, leaving the question unanswered.

Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii)

K.K. Slider never lets his fans down. Rain or shine, he kicks out the jams each and every Saturday night. This week, however, is a bit different. K.K. arrives at his usual venue only to find himself in the middle of a brawl involving what appears to be a grizzled soldier, a pink blob, a flatulent gnome, and a blue hedgehog in sneakers. Not necessarily the ideal conditions for a performance. Nevertheless, the show must go on! K.K. grabs his guitar, takes a breath, and dives right into rousing rendition of “Go K.K. Rider!”

Ridge Racer 3D (Nintendo 3DS)

As we round the corner, I’m caught off guard by a helicopter hovering closely above the track. I lose my concentration and overcompensate for the turn, bumping into the car next to me. The driver takes advantage of the situation and uses the momentum from the collision to jettison ahead into first place. Damn it, we’re too close to the finish line for mistakes like this. I find my way into my rival’s slipstream and cut the distance between us inch-by-inch. Finally it’s time to make my move. I fire off the last of my nitrous and make a break for the finish line. We’re seconds away. This is going to be close!