Plants vs. Zombies: Garden Warfare (Playstation 4)

It was back-and-forth throughout the entirety of our match, but at long last Plants emerged the victors. Cue the post-game trash talking while everyone awaits the start of the next round. Most of the players sound as if they are still in elementary school.

A particularly high-pitched voice giggles and taunts, “Hey Zombies! You guys are losers!” He continues on in this way until a deeper, older voice finally chimes in.

“Look at your stats, kid. You didn’t even take anyone down. You suck.”

The high-pitched voice stammers for a moment, searching for words. “Uh. Um. Uh. Whatever. You’re the one who sucks!” He laughs nervously and waits, but there is no response. He tries again, “I said you’re the one who sucks!” Still no response. He gets infuriated. “Hey! Loser! Loooo-ser! Loser, are you there? Loooooser!”

The next round begins, and the high-pitched voice continues to expel mockery, clearly hoping for his opponent to take the bait. But his voice is the only thing heard, drowning out everything else. “Hey loser! You’re a loooooo-ser! A loooooo-ser!” he sings.

I press the triangle button on my Playstation controller and select “Mute All.” Ah, that’s better.

PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale (Playstation 3/Playstation Vita)

Run for your lives! The city is in peril! A monstrous robotic menace has appeared on the horizon and is threatening to level everything in sight. Please, don’t destroy Chunky Burger! Citizens are scrambling left and right, unsure of what to do and where to go. All hope seems lost. But wait! Something equally as enormous has arrived on the scene and is quickly moving toward that metallic beast. Why, it’s Chop Chop Master Onion! With fire in his eyes, our hero enters into fierce battle with the foe. Cheers go up from the onlookers. The invader may be formidable, but Chop Chop is showing a level of determination and fortitude few knew the old master was capable of. Will his tenacity be enough to save us?!

PaRappa the Rapper (Playstation)

What a horrible day to have a diarrhea attack! Not only is Chop Chop Master Onion stuck at the back of the line to use the restroom, but now that little upstart who outrapped him earlier has returned and is trying to take cuts. Chop Chop attempts to plead his case to PaRappa: “I need to go just as bad as you. What I had this morning I don’t even want to say to you!” But PaRappa won’t back down. Apparently his stomach is on the fritz, too, and he’s desperate to get to the toilet first. The only thing to do is rap to decide who gets to make use of the facilities first. Chop Chop puts on a fine performance: “Kick! Punch! Turn and Chop the door!” But PaRappa follows up each of Chop Chop’s lines with perfect timing, besting the old master’s flow. When the battle finally ends, PaRappa steps forward to challenge the next person in line while poor Chop Chop descends into diarrhea hell.